Advice for Arizona's New Conservative Party

It looks like Arizona now has its own Conservative Party. Or I suppose I should say that it will if the organizers can get the 26,000 signatures they need to qualify as a political party.

I'm torn here. Part of me wants to mercilessly mock this effort, which is apparently being led by three slightly illiterate failed 2010 gubernatorial candidates. (What could go wrong?)


But part of me wants this thing to get off the ground. I mean, I think I'd actually sign their petition if it was in front of me.


I'd actually love it if Arizona had a Conservative Party. Then anyone and everyone who has ever described themselves as a "true conservative" or fought about whether or not a candidate was "conservative enough" could join that party, and leave the Republican party to the grown-ups.


So in the spirit of hope, change, and new beginnings, I humbly offer some advice for the new Conservative Party:

1) I haven't seen your platform yet, but I'm hoping there are no provisions setting a maximum number of spouses, or barring your elected leadership from blatantly taking favorites in primaries. Since Tom Morrissey and Rob Haney are currently the Arizona poster children for conservatism, I'd hate to see them excluded from your new venture.

2) The best Party staffers have criminal records. Just because someone is convicted of a sex crime should not preclude them from being a conservative standard-bearer or a major player in your party. I'd suggest you adopt the GOP policy of requiring at least one headline-generating conviction for each office staffer.


3) Money is overrated. Conventional wisdom is that it takes money to win elections, but the Arizona GOP has proven that notion false. All it takes is yelling loud and saying crazy shit in the press. So reserve your limited funds for megaphones. Nobody has ever changed a voter's mind with a mailer or a phone call. Megaphones on the other hand, are always effective. That and trashing your party's candidates in the press. That always works.


4) If you're looking for a web guy, hire the 9-year-old that did the Maricopa GOP site, because that shit's the gold standard for professionalism. (I'd stay away from the AZGOP webmaster, because they are STILL advertising events from several months ago on their home page.)


5) If you need a communications person (and from the staggering number of grammatical errors in your recent manifesto, it looks like you do) try to lure Frosty Taylor away from the Maricopa County GOP. Sure she has "computer issues" every few weeks that leads to the delay of distributing links to Rob Haney's blog, and she lacks the ability to create a proper hyperlink, but I'm guessing you're planning on adopting a "relentlessly negative" communication style that focuses on every negative article about your party's elected officials, and nobody owns that game like Frosty.

Good luck Arizona Conservative Party. I'm sure with a deep bench of talent in the GOP to draw from, you'll do just fine. And if you're ever in Scottsdale, swing by my place. I'd be happy to lend my signature to your cause.


Oh, and if you're looking for more advice, you know where to find me. (theonlytrueconservative@gmail.com)